When pressed this Monday on how he could have issued 5.5 million illegal work permits to foreign nationals during the worst economy in a half-century, President Obama revealed that he has added a range of powerful demonic artifacts to his now-famous “phone and pen.”

“When the Republicans got in the way of my fundamentally transforming the United States I explained, very clearly, that I had a phone and a pen and that I would move forward with my wildly unpopular agenda without Congress. This past November, the angry and bitter Americans who actually voted sent me, unwisely, a message that these items would not be enough. As I have said before, I am seeking a new politics and apparently this call for new political tools. My ballpoint and my iPhone are no longer going to suffice.”

Obama explained that, given the scope of the destruction he is attempting to wreak, demonic force was his only option.

“Under my administration, unemployment among African Americans has attained historic highs and now sits at an appalling 14 percent. Yet my approval rating among Blacks is nearly 90 percent. There’s no app for that. That takes the thigh bone of an unholy Anti-Pope or at least the charred wing feather of a fallen angel. Meanwhile, Al-Qaeda and its affiliates have flourished in more countries around the world than ever before. Cuba (and now North Korea) typifies the states with which I seek to have diplomatic relations. Because of my policies, Iran is nearing the fulfillment of its nuclear ambitions: that is to say, vaporizing Israel,” the President said.

“Let me be perfectly clear: that kind of progress takes more than a ceremonial fountain pen. It requires the Iron Crown of Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies,” he added.

During the Obama administration, tens of millions of working-age Americans have permanently left the work force. More than 2 million additional citizens are living in poverty compared to 2008 levels. Meanwhile, the national debt has ballooned to a previously inconceivable 18 trillion dollars. And despite two thirds of Americans believing the country is on the wrong track, President Obama still enjoys a 46 percent overall approval rating.

“Just a tiny clipping of Satan’s nasal hair,” Obama explained, “and it all becomes possible. That and an occasional appearance on The View.”

Perhaps not surprisingly, the acquisition of such obscure and forbidden objects carries a steep price. And given that the Dark Realms have come to view United States currency with the same skepticism as many experts, the Obama administration had to find alternate payment arrangements.

Goaded Obama, “Why do you think we advertised all over South and Central America for minors who would sneak into the country illegally with no parents and no family contacts in the States? I mean, where do you think all those kids went?”

[The preceding article is tagged and intended as satire]

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