One of the rotten fruits from our culture is the hook-up scene. Finding a random, or not so random, person to have sex with in order to feel good for a short time and not have to face the “consequences” of commitment is nothing less than tragic. There are no throwaway people, especially when it comes to something as beautiful, wonderful, and powerful as sex. Sex is where two become one. Where we get to co-create another unique and unrepeatable image of God. This is why it is meant to have permanence, fidelity, and love that comes from marriage of one man and one woman.
The biggest losers in this culture are the women who act like foolish men when they throw themselves at a guy to get some attention, affection, pleasure, or distraction – all for a moment. Unfortunately, I don’t think many college students think twice of the consequences of their actions when it happens.
An article in the New York Times highlights this issue with some interesting facts. A few quotes (emphasis added):
One sociological reason for the up-tick in the hook-up scene:
“North Carolina, with a student body that is nearly 60 percent female, is just one of many large universities that at times feel eerily like women’s colleges. Women have represented about 57 percent of enrollments at American colleges since at least 2000, according to a recent report by the American Council on Education.”
So, there are more women in college, but that isn’t all:
“Jayne Dallas, a senior studying advertising who was seated across the table, grumbled that the population of male undergraduates was even smaller when you looked at it as a dating pool. “Out of that 40 percent, there are maybe 20 percent that we would consider, and out of those 20, 10 have girlfriends, so all the girls are fighting over that other 10 percent,” she said.”
What does such a disproportionate female to male ratio lead to:
“Needless to say, this puts guys in a position to play the field, and tends to mean that even the ones willing to make a commitment come with storied romantic histories. Rachel Sasser, a senior history major at the table, said that before she and her boyfriend started dating, he had “hooked up with a least five of my friends in my sorority — that I know of.””
Women have lowered their standards in order to have a boyfriend or at least one night of a guy finding her desirable. But, this also isn’t the end of the story:
““Women do not want to get left out in the cold, so they are competing for men on men’s terms,” she wrote. “This results in more casual hook-up encounters that do not end up leading to more serious romantic relationships. Since college women say they generally want ‘something more’ than just a casual hook-up, women end up losing out.”
W. Keith Campbell, a psychology professor at the University of Georgia, which is 57 percent female, put it this way: “When men have the social power, they create a man’s ideal of relationships,” he said. Translation: more partners, more sex. Commitment? A good first step would be his returning a woman’s Facebook message.
Women on gender-imbalanced campuses are paying a social price for success and, to a degree, are being victimized by men precisely because they have outperformed them, Professor Campbell said. In this way, some colleges mirror retirement communities, where women often find that the reward for outliving their husbands is competing with other widows for the attentions of the few surviving bachelors.
“If a guy is not getting what he wants, he can quickly and abruptly go to the next one, because there are so many of us,” said Katie Deray, a senior at the University of Georgia, who said that it is common to see six provocatively clad women hovering around one or two guys at a party or a bar.”
Think of this as well. Somewhere close to 80-90% of young men in college regularly use pornography. Many young women thus “settle” for a guy that can’t control himself and is going to use her for sex, without any commitment or real love (real love = choosing what is best for another despite the cost to myself).
So, what kind of answer to such a culture does the Catholic Church have?
This is the answer – put into my own words. The words of a man who has been happily married for almost 15 years, has one wife, four daughters, one mother, three sisters, and loves women for the way God made each of the unique.
- You are worth more! Yes, you have something inside you which is beautiful. Don’t buy into the lies that you are not.
- You are a daughter of The King. He wants you to live in his palace forever.
- Your eldest brother laid down his life for you.
- You are not like other women, so don’t compare yourself to them.
- Learn to be happy with who you really are (see the statements above if you don’t know who you are). This is the key to a happy life.
- Don’t settle for a guy who won’t treat you right, can’t control himself, or won’t see the true beauty inside you.
- Don’t mistake sex for real love.
- Wait for the right guy. It is worth it.
- Don’t believe the arbitrary deadlines for finding a guy (graduating college, hitting 30, etc). God has an individual plan for your life and it is better than the one you (or society) has created.
- Don’t think you can change a guy or “fix” him.
- Don’t let a guy take advantage of you just to feel good about yourself for a short time.
- I apologize on behalf of all men.
- You are already loved and are lovable – there is nothing you could ever do to make God stop loving you. Seek this love first and foremost in order to be happy.
- Learn what masculinity is really about, by learning what The Man is all about – Jesus.
- As I tell my son, your job is to “respect, protect, love, and serve” others, esp. the women in your life. Even if that means protecting them from yourself!
- Sacrifice your own desires for others, especially women. This is the definition of maturity and love.
- Being a man isn’t about having sex, prestige, a supermodel girlfriend, money or power.
- Being a man is about finding strength and courage to get outside of yourself.
- Find good role models, not the kind that culture shoves at you, but men you know who do the right thing for the right reasons.
- Stop looking at porn (or get help if you can’t do it on your own).
- Never use a woman. They are your sisters.
- Real commitment lasts a lifetime.
- Rou are already loved and are lovable – there is nothing you could ever do to make God stop loving you. Seek this love first and foremost in order to be happy.