New York, NY: An unusually candid President Obama, appearing on Hardball with Chris Matthews, admitted that he can’t believe he is “getting away with this.” When prompted by an innocuous question posed by the sycophantic Matthews, Obama launched into a protracted monologue.
Matthews: “Mr. President, what has been the most surprising thing about your time in office so far?”
Obama: “That I am getting away with all of this. Seriously. I can’t believe I am getting away with this. If this were a boxing match between me and the American people I would expect the official to stop the fight right now and send America to the emergency room,” he said.
“Most days I feel like I am taking candy from a baby. Double the national debt in five years? No problem: they think I am trying to balance the budget. Reward 11 million people from another country who broke the law by giving them benefits, voting rights, and the most coveted citizenship in the history of civilization? They think I am trying to keep us safe. I mean, I personally stopped construction on boarder security and sued a state for enforcing federal immigration law and Americans think I am trying to keep us safe. I have moved tens of millions of people out of the job market permanently and pumped the number of people on food stamps up more than 70 percent and most people think I am focused on job creation. Real unemployment is near Depression levels and they think I want jobs. Amazing.
“I am shutting down the nation’s power supply through executive decree, wasting hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars on bogus energy start-ups, and the price of gasoline has doubled since I took office. What do American’s believe? That I am ‘trying to save the planet ‘or some such rot. I can’t even remember what the hell I told them about that one. I am waging a war on energy producers and I fly around in a jumbo jet. I am waging a war on ‘big tobacco’ and I smoke. You would think they would notice.
“Do you know that I nationalized health care? No one does! It’s staggering. Half the time I feel like that guy in The Omega Man, like I am the only person left on Earth. I just want to stand on top of the White House and scream, ‘Hello! Is there anyone there? I am erasing the institution of the nuclear family! I am creating a centralized, dependent state! I’m destroying your country on purpose!!’ No answer. Just…no answer.
“It doesn’t even matter if I get caught. I used the IRS to win the last election, allowed four Americans to be killed by terrorists in Benghazi for my own political gain, threatened the Supreme Court during the Obamacare case, ran guns to Mexican gangsters, ordered long-term illegal surveillance on the media, can tap into every phone call, email, and credit card transaction made by every innocent American without a warrant, and can kill a citizen on U.S. soil with a drone at my whim. And you know what? No one gives a damn. I don’t even think they know.
“I’m having to think up things to do now. I ran right off my original list. I think I’ll dismantle the military or just give a bunch of it to Russia. Or maybe sue a church for not performing gay marriages. I don’t know. I just…I just thought it would be a little harder than this. I thought ripping this place up would be a challenge. I’m sort of disappointed in a way. And a little bored. Anyway, what was your next question, Chris?”
Matthews: “Mr. President, what is your favorite color?”
[The preceding article is tagged and intended as satire]
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